“You are going to be happy” said life “but first I will make you strong” ~Paulo Coelho
Story time… Trigger warning for depression, addiction, and death.
In 2016, I declared it my year of yes. I was 36 years old, tirelessly working jobs I didn’t necessarily like to support my family and help my husband start a new career after he became disabled. For 10 years, I had put the needs of my family and children first (and perhaps, as a parentified child, I had been doing this my whole life—but that’s a story for another time). I decided it was finally time to do something for myself.
I had been diving deeper into my yoga practice, seeing real benefits for my mind and body, and exploring natural medicine to manage the depression and anxiety I struggled with. I desperately wanted to avoid medication after watching my mom battle her own depression and alcohol and pill addiction for most of my life. That January, I signed up for yoga teacher training and a Health Coaching Certification program. My goals were to deepen my practice, show up better as a mother and wife, build skills to support my daughters through their journey into adulthood, and, hopefully, share it with others. I had found the holistic support I was seeking hard to come by. I wanted to help others with similar struggles navigate this human experience through nutrition, movement, mindfulness, and stress management. The universe, however, had other plans. And to start at the beginning—it was exactly what I needed to learn to do even more good work in the world.
By December of that year, I had stayed true to my commitments and remained on my path to becoming a holistic healer and yoga teacher, but everything else around me crumbled. In May, my dog died unexpectedly. A few weeks later, my mom overdosed. By December, I had lost the home where I had grown up and raised my children. I was drinking heavily and battling major depression. My high-functioning depression allowed me to appear as though I was managing, but inside, I was deeply struggling. Alcohol became a temporary mask for the pain, allowing me to maintain false connections and hide the depths of my suffering. While I was surrounded by people, I had never felt more lonely in my life. I slowly retreated into a dark place in my mind. Little by little, I struggled to connect with people around me. The job I hated became harder and harder to deal with, and as we settled into a new home for Christmas, I kept my mask on and trudged forward. I kept looking outside of myself for validation, support, my tribe… but these things felt farther away than ever.
Looking back, that’s where things got good—the part of the story where I had to become strong first.
Lifelong friendships fell away. We moved two more times in a matter of six months. I kept my commitment to myself, graduated from yoga teacher training, and became a holistic nutritionist. I continued therapy and discovered the power of nervous system regulation on my own, realizing that I had never truly felt safe in my life. I turned deeply inward, reprogramming, rewiring, searching, and listening—doing the deep work to heal from lifelong trauma. I slowly became everything I had so desperately wanted from my mom, dad, friends, and community. I began helping clients here and there while still tied to the golden handcuffs of my corporate marketing job.
But the universe knew I still needed to become stronger. There were still more lessons to learn, more healing to do, so I could show up even better for my family and clients.
So it threw more challenges my way—difficult teenage years and another traumatic overdose death, this time of my daughter’s best friend. That’s when the final parts crumbled. I went into complete shutdown.
I took time off from teaching yoga and health coaching. I simplified my life. I finally got on medication—which I was able to come off of six months later. I let my body and mind get the deep rest they needed. I dove into self-care – making it my new hobby. I slowly started my journey of removing my dependance on alcohol from my life. From all the trauma, my body started to feel pain all over, so I swapped my runs for walks. I rested, nourished myself, and dove even deeper into the work I needed to do to reprogram my nervous system after being in fight or flight pretty much my whole life.
I was still extremely isolated and lonely, but I knew I needed to do this work alone to find myself again, show up better for myself and my family, and continue on. I also learned that healing takes time—more time than you want it to—and that having a few genuine people in my life was all I really needed to feel connected and happy.
Now, eight years later, I know that everything happened so that I could grow, learn, and show up better for those I love and those I am here to guide. It helped humble me, ground me, and heal my heart, teaching me to look internally for what I need and, most importantly, to show those I work with the same. It removed people and things in my life that were holding me back and keeping me stuck. It helped me find the connection, compassion, and happiness I had been searching for my whole life.
I now know that the universe needed to make me strong before it showed me happiness. Through the pain, healing, and learning, I can now show up more grounded and compassionate, helping even more people from a genuine place of “I’ve been there, and I’ve come out the other side—and you can too.”
With love and light,
Alisha
